Excuse me mamm

This afternoon I left work and headed to the radiology center. This was my third trip in six months. The first time I went I was able to joke. "Yes, I just turned 40 and for my birthday I've decided to treat myself to an annual flash and smash." The receptionist looked at me for a moment and then decided it was comical. She said she'd never heard of a mammogram to be termed that way but it was great.

The second time I went in I was only slightly nervous. There was no rushed phone call telling me I needed to come in right away. Just that they wanted to get a few more images of my right side. On my return I told the same receptionist I enjoyed the previous one, three weeks prior, so much that I decided to have another one. I don't know why I joked about it. Maybe my odd sense of humor just jumped out there to mask my nervousness.

Granted these exams caused some discomfort I was not in unbearable pain so it was easy enough to listen to their orders and strike the poses they wished. During my second more thorough exam I must admit gripping bars this way and that embarrassed me a bit. I wondered if Hugh Heffner ever thought to centerfold a mammogram session. Again, my odd sense of humor showing it's self. Only this time I didn't let it escape my mouth. Assured that everything checked out fine I was informed that I would need to return again in six months. So much for an "annual" exam.

Today when I arrived I had to wait a bit longer. The waiting area is pleasant enough but the uncertainty of results for those among the waiting had me afraid to make eye contact for fear I'd see fear looking back at me. There are doors on both sides of the waiting area. I'd only been through one door. I suspect the door I had not yet entered led to follow ups or consultation rooms. Perhaps for those who had received less fortunate news.

I obviously waited far too long because my mind wandered to places it really shouldn't have. I was finally led back to a small room to change into a gown an prepare for my exam. I waited. Distress brought prose.

"If they find cancer there, will I be brave enough to ask for prayer?"

My thought was how on earth would I be able to add myself to a prayer list without feeling that people all around would be feeling sorry for me or avoiding me? Not even diagnosed and I was already living out the drama. Crumbling beneath my interior.

Eventually I was called in for imaging. It hurt this time. More than the last time. I wanted to ask if that was normal. Another wait and I was asked to come in for one last picture. It was even more painful. I wanted to gasp a breath but I could not breathe. You must not breathe. When I was finally allowed to breathe I was afraid to. When they were done I waited. This time the waiting area seats just two and I am not alone. I am aching and want to cradle my bosom but I can't. I'm not alone. I wish desperately for them to call her name so I can some how try to ease the pain I am feeling. The technician returns and says they want to get a sonogram. They explain it's precautionary since they did not have one on file from the last time but nonetheless an alarm starts to sound in my head.

By the time I was lead to the sono room and hour and a half had passed from my initial appointment time. The technician was comforting and soothing and explained that after she took some images the doctor would be in to see me as well. Panic again. What aren't they telling me? It was ten minutes between the time she went to get the doctor and they returned. In less than ten minutes, after the doctor arrived, I was told everything looked fine. I was fine. I let the words sink in. "I" was fine.

In the span of that two hours I had choked back tears at least four times. I found it stressful, uncomfortable, a bit embarrassing, and in the last session of the "flash and smash" excruciatingly painful. I was apologized to over and over again for the wait. I wonder if they knew I felt dread. It's not something to take lightly or ignore. Is it painful? Sure. Is it worth it? Absolutely. It isn't something any woman, or man, looks forward to but early detection is the key.

October is national Breast Cancer Awareness month. The disease has and will affect many. The medical community has come a long way in beating this horrible disease. As October fast approaches please take a moment to think of ways you show your support. I've listed a few nationally recognized places below where you can get involved.

Susan G. Komen for the Cure

National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc

Above all remember the most important thing you can do for yourselves and those you love is to schedule and keep your annual exams.